I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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