im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
