escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
