I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
