I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
