I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
