I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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