So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
one might say we're banned from that church
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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