So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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