every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
