i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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