woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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