We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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