and you said cock pushups were impossible
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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