just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
