My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
