it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
