a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
