don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize