whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
