The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
