Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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