Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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