the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
