Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
