just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
