Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
