I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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