If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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