Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
