im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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