Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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