He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
