its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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