it wasn't lemon gatorade
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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