i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
