I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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