im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
