As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
