You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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