I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize