You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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