I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
