I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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