The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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