When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
