Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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