I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
