the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
