Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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