it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
