Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
