How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
