He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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