Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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