I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Found your dick twin last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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