Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
