I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
